I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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