I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
