Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize