my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
