I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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