I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
