Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
we made out on top of his cat.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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