I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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