i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
