Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You need Xanax blowdarts
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
