Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
