My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize