dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
