A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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