The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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