On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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