boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
