Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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