dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
