I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
