we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
