where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
a search helicopter?!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
