i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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