just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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