hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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