Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
