There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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