So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
