Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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