Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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