You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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