I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
