Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
