I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
