I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
