Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
