he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
