Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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