you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
