I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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