You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
