I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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