from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
