Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
