I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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