Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
