This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
being pregnant is like rehab
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
