I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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