I wish I could punch you in the face.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
it's like heaven, but drunker
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
