if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I hate all girls vehemently.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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