I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think my fart just growled at me.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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