I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
