I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
