apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
