Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Holy sore nipples Batman
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
