My liver just broke up with me...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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