My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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