The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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