mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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