It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
