I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
