Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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