he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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