I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
