I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Ketchup is God's man juice
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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