You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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