Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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