Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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