I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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