Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
